When someone gives you a compliment, it makes you feel good. A backhanded compliment, however, can have the opposite effect. Also known as a left-handed compliment or a double-edged compliment, it is a statement that appears to be positive on the surface but contains a subtle insult or criticism. While it may seem like an expression of praise at face value, the underlying meaning is often insincere or even mocking.
Recognizing a backhanded compliment
Backhanded compliments can be difficult to recognize, especially when they are delivered in a seemingly helpful or genuine manner. You may not immediately realize that you have received one based on the words alone, but you will likely notice the way it makes you feel. Experts suggest that an individual’s response to a backhanded compliment is influenced by their own insecurities and vulnerabilities.
Signs of a backhanded compliment
If a statement is framed as a compliment but leaves you feeling uneasy, there are a few signs that can help you identify whether it was truly a compliment or something else entirely:
- Conflicting emotions: Initially, you may smile upon hearing the compliment, but this reaction may quickly shift to confusion or doubt.
- Self-doubt: If the statement makes you question your abilities, worth, or achievements, it may not be a genuine compliment.
- Highlighting an insecurity: If the statement emphasizes a weakness or insecurity rather than an achievement, it likely carries an underlying insult.
- Tone and delivery: The way a statement is said matters just as much as the words themselves. A sarcastic or condescending tone can indicate an insincere compliment.
Common examples of backhanded compliments
- “You look great today! It’s amazing what a little make-up can do.” – This implies that the person’s natural appearance is less attractive and that they rely on makeup to look good.
- “Your work was good – for a beginner.” – While it acknowledges effort, it suggests that the quality of work is only notable because of inexperience.
- “I didn’t expect this from you.” – This implies that the individual was not thought capable of achieving success, subtly undermining their accomplishment.
- “You’re so brave for wearing that!” – While it appears encouraging, it suggests that wearing a certain outfit or style is inherently risky or unconventional in a negative way.
- “Wow, you’re actually really smart!” – This assumes that intelligence was not expected from the person, making it a backhanded compliment.
Why people give backhanded compliments
Research shows that recipients of backhanded compliments often perceive them as subtle putdowns. The motivations behind such remarks can vary, but they are often rooted in the giver’s own insecurities and social dynamics. Possible reasons include:
- Jealousy or competitiveness: Some people may give backhanded compliments out of envy, using subtle criticism as a way to undermine others.
- Passive-aggressiveness: Instead of directly confronting an issue, individuals may use backhanded compliments to mask criticism under the guise of praise.
- Lack of social awareness: Not all backhanded compliments are intentional. Some individuals may struggle with tact and unintentionally phrase their words in a way that comes across as insulting.
- Attempt at humor: Some people may intend to be humorous but fail to recognize how their words might be perceived negatively.
- Power dynamics: In some cases, people use backhanded compliments to assert dominance or subtly put someone “in their place” within a social or professional hierarchy.
The psychological impact of backhanded compliments
Being on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment can be frustrating and confusing. Over time, frequent exposure to such remarks can negatively impact self-esteem and self-perception. Psychological research suggests that microaggressions, including backhanded compliments, can contribute to increased stress and anxiety. In professional settings, backhanded compliments can create a toxic work environment, causing employees to feel undervalued or inadequate. In personal relationships, they can lead to tension and resentment, particularly if the pattern continues unchecked.
How to respond to backhanded compliments
Knowing how to respond effectively to backhanded compliments can help maintain self-confidence and avoid unnecessary conflict. Strategies for coping:
- Highlight the positive and ignore the negative: Thank the person for the positive aspect of their statement without acknowledging the insult. If they were being intentionally hurtful, they won’t get the satisfaction of upsetting you.
- Use humor to deflect: A well-placed joke can disarm the situation. For example, responding with, “I’m glad I exceeded your low expectations!” can turn the remark back on the speaker in a lighthearted manner.
- Change the subject: Redirecting the conversation can shift the focus away from negativity and reestablish control over the dialogue.
- Address the comment directly: If appropriate, calling attention to the statement’s underlying meaning can be a constructive approach. A response like, “I’m not sure if you meant that the way it sounded, but it didn’t sit well with me,” can encourage the speaker to reconsider their words.
- Ignore it and move on: Sometimes, the best response is no response at all. Smiling and walking away removes the power from the person giving the backhanded compliment.
- Set boundaries: If someone consistently gives backhanded compliments, consider having an honest conversation about how their words affect you. Setting boundaries can help prevent future discomfort.
The approach you choose should depend on the context, your personality, and your relationship with the speaker. Ultimately, the goal is to maintain composure and respond in a way that preserves your confidence and peace of mind. By recognizing backhanded compliments for what they are and handling them effectively, you can navigate social interactions with greater ease and self-assurance.
